My Secret Public Journal

Fuck you for listening to me. For telling me everything. For texting me. For calling me to hang out. For giving me things. For spending time with me. For telling me you miss me. For wanting me in your life. Fuck you for leading me on and not even realizing. For showing me a part of you that you don’t show too often. Fuck you for not letting any of these things mean nearly as much to you as they do to me.

It kills me how you talk to her. She doesn’t know you like I do. It isn’t fair how she makes you feel so carefree. Life isn’t like that. She doesn’t see the things I do when I’m with you. She doesn’t experience you in the same ways that I have. Of course your relationship is effortless; you don’t know each other. When we fight, it kills me. It kills me because I know you have the power to sever ties. I don’t want that. I’ll never want to be without you. But you just feel that way about her and frankly, my heart can’t break for you anymore.

Love is a stupid concept. Give all of yourself to another person and trust them not to break you. When they break you, and they WILL break you, you become everything you swore you would never be. In the end, everyone learns the same lesson; trust no one. Not even yourself.

You’re a fucking idiot. I cared about you so much, I would have done anything for you. I counted on you and confided in you. You were the one I turned to when the world went dark. I thought I could trust you, I ignored the voices telling me you weren’t different. You turned out to be just like all the rest. I trusted you and you used me.

Look, Hun, keep running your mouth. Keep talking shit like it don’t stink. You’re more obsessed with that boy than I could ever pretend to be. Life lesson: The more you try to make me look insane, the crazier your fat ass seems. I’m just looking out. Unlike you, I’m gunna keep it real. Yeah, I like him, but you love him. You cry over him. Still. Get your fat ass over the mountain you’re stuck behind because ya done. Before me, no one payed any mind to you. Now after me, ya still alone. Chew on that because you’ll never have what I do. You claim you didn’t care that much at the time. So please, explain to me why the fuck you cried so hard. Why the fuck you still try and talk to him. Ad PLEASE. Eplain to me why the FUCK you talk so much shit about me to him. You’re a low life and you will be alone untill you change. Sweetie, you suck.

I don’t think you understand. You don’t understand what it feels like to always be put second. It rips people apart and breaks them down to nothing. I’m done being treated like shit. It’s impossible to recover from, but I’m going to have to try. Even if that means shutting the rest of the world out, that’s what I’ll do. I have to rebuild myself. I have to save myself because there is no one out there willing to put me first.